ARTICLES

My parents pay for our family holidays each year – but I wish they’d stop.

What do you think?

www.telegraph.co.uk/family/parenting/bank-of-mum-dad-parents-buy-children-holiday/#comment

Please read my latest article on Linkedin- Emotional Intelligence and Why we need to teach it in schools.

My Voice Matters.

Mental Health Week takes place from 5-11 February and was launched to give voice to all children and young people in the UK.

The theme for 2024 is My Voice Matters.

Having a parent who listens creates a child who believes he or she has a voice that matters in this world.

How can you help children find their voice?

(The ideal scenario for my parents was that their children should be seen and not heard.)
Like many of us, I grew up thinking there were three emotions: happy, angry, and sad.
Angry was unacceptable, can you calm down now, or go to your room until you’ve settled down.
Sad was met with a tissue (please wipe the tears away and wash your face). No one likes you when you cry like that.
The goal was to always be Happy.
Imagine how many lives and relationships would be different if we’d grown up receiving the message-
“Off course you feel that way, you are human.”

Did your voice matter when you were a child?

Ask yourself if your voice mattered when you were a child and if not perhaps it’s worthwhile reflecting on how you are choosing to intentionally parent your children right now.

Look at the list below and ask yourself the following questions…

Do you actively listen to your child when they have something to say?
Do you finish off your child’s sentences for them?
Do you speak louder and above your child thinking that you know better?
Does your child’s voice matter or is your voice the one that always knows best?
Are you able to listen without judgement to your child’s experience and give them permission to feel the way they feel, or do you assume you know better and swoop in and try to sort, fix, and resolve?

What did you surmise from your answers?
We all want our children to grow up to be well adjusted, autonomous grown-ups who can speak for themselves.
Here are 10 simple tips to help your children find their voice.

Make time every day to connect and listen to your child speak about how they are without judgment. Make it a part of your daily routine whether at bedtime, on the way to school or whenever works best for you. Make time, there is always time.
Listen and validate their experience as it is for them, not as it seems to be for you. Paraphrase and feed back to them what they are saying so they know you are listening, and you know you are listening too. Respect what they have to say, remember, you don’t have to be right.
Teach them a nuanced emotional vocabulary so they can truly understand and express the way they feel. Are they feeling sad or are they actually feeling lonely. Our emotions are like messengers who have something to say, we need to learn to listen and become emotional detectives.
Let your child speak for themselves whenever possible for example in a shop, in a café, with their teachers, on public transport.
Role-play challenging emotional scenarios, like being pushed around by a ‘friend’ or feeling uncomfortable about someone’s behaviour towards them. Brainstorm with your child how best to manage uncomfortable, difficult situations. Support them as they problem solve. Support them, don’t fix it for them.
Help them to practice using their voice, in an emotionally regulated way so they are heard. Show them how you do it.
Teach them how they don’t need to people please.
Teach them how to set boundaries.
Show them how and why their voice matters in your family; what do they know best, what are they the expert in?
Show them how you use your voice to make a difference.

If we want to raise responsible, confident, independent children, who’s voice matters we must make space for them to be heard and seen for who they are and not, perhaps, who we wish them to be.
“Responsibility is fostered by allowing children a voice and wherever indicated a choice in matters that affect them.” Haim Ginott

The Power of the Pow Wow!
Family meetings.
When I start working with a new family as a counsellor one of the first things I help them to do is to make a family charter.
The family gather around the kitchen table and talk about the way they would like to feel at home and what they can do to make those feelings happen.

I’ve been thinking about suggesting the idea of having regular family meeting for a while, and right now I feel it’s even more relevant to bring families together and keep them talking in an open and connected way.

Lockdown life has meant that as families many of us are sharing our homes in a whole new way. Our individual screens have saved the day becoming our offices, schools, gyms, social hub, shopping centres, creativity outlet and entertainment platforms.

Over this prolonged, unexpected and uncertain time, it seems to have become increasingly easy to get tucked away in our very own independent online worlds.
Unique schedules on different screens has meant that if we’re not careful we can be at home but not at home and more often than not connecting far more with those online than with those we love and live with.

So, what do you think about the idea of making family meetings a part of your family routine to bring everyone together as a team? Communication and teamwork are after all at the heart of all good and successful relationships.
The regular routine of family meetings creates connection and a sense of coming together as a family, it teaches problem solving, courage, resilience, responsibility, conflict skills.
Family meetings give your children a voice and teach everyone accountability.

What’s not to love!

What does they look like? A family meeting is a regular (once a week) gathering of the family that follows a regular format.

Meeting Agenda -Keep a notebook open in a communal space somewhere where everyone can write down the points they would like to be discussed at the meeting.

Listening- Remind everyone that listening is key and everyone will have their turn to speak without being interrupted.

Start the meeting with compliments- Each person gives everyone including themselves a compliment. Compliments set an upbeat and positive tone and help everyone remember the good things about the week.
A compliment or a statement of appreciation could be: “Thanks Fred for helping me with my homework yesterday.” Or “Thank you Dad for going on a bike ride with me.”
It’s appropriate to respond to the compliment with a “thank you “too.
Giving compliments may not come naturally at first so parents may need to teach and model giving compliments.

Problem Solving- The family finds solutions to any problems listed in the agenda.

Planning- Here’s the time to talk about what’s going on in the week ahead, time too to talk about meal planning and job sharing and a great opportunity to organise a fun family outing or activity.

Are you willing to give it a go?

The key to getting started is to take it slowly.
If you go in all guns blazing with too much over excitement with this fantastic idea you’ve had, you will probably put everyone right off before you've even begun! So, start simple, make it short and sweet and build from there.
I’m sure it won’t take long before everyone’s asking when the next meeting will be!

If you give it a go, please let me know how you get on I would love to hear.
Lulu x

Looking after ourselves during uncertain times is sensible, not selfish.
read it on Mumfidential

The term ‘self-care’ is widely used, heard a lot and in danger of becoming an overused term.
Often confused with being selfish, self-care is actually taking action to consciously look after you. And this is so important, particularly during these complicated and uncertain times.
Self-care is crucial to your wellbeing, mental health and basic survival; as the saying goes, ‘you can’t pour from and empty cup.’
Being kind to yourself and making time to nourish your mind, body and spirit isn’t easy when living a full-on family life.
The truth is you are allowed to slow down, you are allowed to take breaks from your never ending to do lists and ongoing jobs, you can slow down and take time out.
By taking care of yourself you nourish yourself from within, which enables you to take on everything else that out there.
Self-care comes in many forms but the base line is that we are taking responsibility to actively look after all the different bits of ourselves.
What is self-care?
It is the actions we take as individuals to set healthy boundaries, know our own limits, and make time for fun, rest and exercise everyday.
It’s the actions we take to eat well, making time for rest, recuperation, with a regular healthy sleep routine.
It’s the actions we take to nurture our spiritual self with gratitude, yoga meditation/prayer.
It’s about spending time and making connections with like-minded people.
It’s the relief we experience when we express the way we really feel with a trusted person in a safe space.
It’s about how we get to know ourselves and grow a bit more every day with kindness, self-acceptance and compassion.
Investing time in yourself looks different to everyone but it shares the same fundamental message and that is that you value and care for yourself.
As parents we are the greatest role models of mental health and emotional wellness that our children have.
They take the lead from us as we lead by our example. By showing them how you care, value and look after yourself you will allow them to do the same too.
When we feel better balanced and grounded at our core we feel happier.
When we feel happier those around us are happier too.
What’s not to love?